Thursday, April 29, 2010

Heavy Spirit

I have a heavy heart and spirit tonight. I won't lie. I won't get on here and pretend life is perfect. I won't be fake. I'm pretty much through with all that. It's no fun and people can usually tell anyhow..

I have such a saddness in my heart. Let me tell you why and can I ask you to pray for these people?

Someone I know found out they had a miscarriage a few days ago. And they are pretty sad about it. In telling the world, the stated in the same sentence how they know God has a purpose for this pain. Wow. Faith. Real faith. Please pray for this couple. I won't mention their names but God knows..

And second, this one has really crushed me. A couple-friend of ours lost their 6 week old baby boy on Sunday. He passed away. He was asleep on Dad's chest. They both fell asleep. When dad awoke, baby wasn't breathing. They tried to save his life but to no avail, he went home to be with Jesus.
It just sickens me. Is that ugly to say? Sounds ugly. But it's my heart right now. I don't like to cry. But I'm fighting tears right now. Even though nobody in my house is awake...why would I be afraid to cry then? Hmm.. I think because letting tears flow is like facing the emotions within which is sometimes hard for me.

I just cannot imagine what they are feeling. I feel guilt looking at my little Parker wondering why it wasn't him? Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful... but really. The loss of a child? I cannot imagine a worse pain.

I think about what the coming days will be for them: walking past his nursery, dirty or unfolded laundry belonging to him that still needs to be washed or put away, his carseat in the car, the reminder phonecall from the doctor for his 8 week checkup, remembering his cry, thinking you hear it in the middle of the night only to realize that he's....gone.

Yes I know he's in heaven with our Lord. Yes I know that he is at peace.. if you are searching for that blog post that shines the faith of God thru adversity, you will not find it at the moment. Like I said previously. I am being real. These are my real feelings. Give me break if you will. I KNOW in my head all of those things are true. That pain and suffering does have purpose. But let's imagine that it was YOUR child. Gone. Man, I never want to live that truth.

It's totally selfish that I am sitting here having a pitty party when that couple over there is living without their precious son. All 3 of mine are tucked away asleep and for now, are here with us. I realize that all of that could change in one second. I live in fear of that everyday. I thank God everyday that He gives me THIS day with them. I am not guaranteed the next.

Why am I finding it so hard to pray for these people who are suffering??? Makes no sense. I truly feel that it's because when I DO speak with the Lord over this, I am going to have a total meltdown of emotion. It hits so hard as a mother when you pray for peace for the parents who have no choice but to go on without their precious little one.

Please join me in prayer for these ones who are suffering. I pray that the enemy would be bound away from their home and their hearts. I ask that bitterness not set in and that peace and joy will soon fill that hole.

I ask you Lord, to help me put life in perspective more; but not at the cost of tragedy, please.

Never again shall I sit and worry, fret or lose sleep over things that truly do not matter without complete guilt. People are suffering. Over REAL issues. How selfish of me to WASTE God-given time (that I am not owed) over some of the most childish things know to mankind.

I'm so thankful that God's mercy starts anew each day. What. a. blessing.

Please Lord, help the hurting all over. Meet their need. Fill their spirit with peace. Just put Your hand upon them.


The Sheffield Scoop said...

Rachel this truly touched my heart. Because you know what? It is when, like this, we can be REAL with God, that he can actually pour out into us and give us the peace we need. When we pretent life is ok, we are not being truthful with Him or ourselves and He can only do as much as we are willing to let Him do. And if we are not REAL with Him, He is not going to do the powerful things in us that He is capable of. Our pastors always say, He is not a rude God, He is not going to barge in when we don't want Him to. That is why we have to seek Him. And sometimes that is the hardest admit just HOW MUCH we desperately need Him.

Jenn Jenn said...

I will pray, and I know that other suffering can affect one deeply. For me it has happened many times.

Jenn Jenn said...

I will pray, and I know that other suffering can affect one deeply. For me it has happened many times.

Kristin said...

I just cannot imagine that, Rachel. I said a prayer for them.